


Boner Apetit

by nijijin



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-11
Updated: 2006-03-11
Packaged: 2018-08-16 04:22:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8086957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nijijin/pseuds/nijijin
Summary: (10/19/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Happy Birthday Listmom Sarah. Thanks for all you do. Graphic violence on foodstuffs is depicted. Male listsibs may find the scenes disturbing. Uncomfortable protective scrunching of legs may occur.  


* * *

Captain Archer stalked his way through the corridors of Enterprise towards the Mess Hall. Stepping inside he was somewhat relieved to see very few crewmembers at this late hour. He hesitated before opening the door to the Captain's Private Mess. He was so not looking forward to this.

Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Reed, and Ensign Mayweather stood as he entered.

"At ease, gentleman. We're technically not on duty. Glad to see everyone in civvies...I wanted this to be as comfortable as possible...cause...oh yeesh...let's just get on with it."

In unison, they all took their seats around the dining table that held a covered dish for each of them. Archer glanced around the table, trying to gauge the general mood. They'd all reviewed the data that was confusing at best.

Poor Travis seemed fidgety. The Captain knew exactly how the younger man felt. He didn't exactly want to be doing this himself either. But hey...all in the name of exploration...right?

Next he let his eyes casually glide over to where Trip and Malcolm sat across from each other. He sighed in frustration and shook his head. Apparently the two were still locked in Day 3 of their "Wish I Could Throw You Out Of An Airlock" battle. Sky blue eyes glared defiantly at roiling storm blue ones. The Captain's `ahem' of disapproval got the Southerner's and Brit's attention. For the moment they seemed to call a truce and listened expectantly. Jon turned on a PADD and began.

"As you know, the Teesans have a very...uh..."

"idiotic..."

"weird..."

"convoluted..."

His Senior Officers helpfully supplied.

"I was going to say `highly refined' code of protocol when it comes to initial contact with new species."

Jon frowned at Trip's snort. Malcolm sneered disdain at the Engineer. Jon thought for sure Trip was about to childishly stick his tongue out. Not that they both hadn't been childish for three days already.

"As I was saying, in order for us to be able to meet with the Teesan Royal Family", Jon lifted the PADD to read, `the four main headmen of the tribe must eat of the Jahlah fruit in the prescribed manner.' If any one of us makes a mistake the audience won't be granted."

It was clear his officers understood and Jon continued.

"When I advised the Prime Minister of my concern that the Jahlah fruit might be harmful to humans, he kindly sent some with me so that Phlox could run the necessary tests. He also suggested that we rehearse...practice, if you will...before performing the ceremony tomorrow."

They all looked down to their covered plates. With a nod from the Captain the domed lids were removed. Utter and total silence blanketed the room as they stared in disbelief at what lay before them. Travis was the first to groan and slap a hand over his eyes.

It was strikingly similar to a Sea Cucumber, but the color more reminiscent of Kiwi fruit skin with a hint of the same 5 o'clock shadow texture. Malcolm tilted his head this way and that as he examined it more closely. Eyebrows climbed into hairline when he saw a slit at the tip the seemed to be oozing a bit of...

"Oh good Lord," he whispered.

Trip had taken to poking at the two round globes positioned at the other end of the...uh...fruit. They too, were strikingly familiar but he couldn't bring himself to say exactly what they looked like. He pushed away from the table ever so slightly.

Jon blinked a few times as he stared at his rather large portion of the fruit. No ifs ands or buts about it...Jahlah looked exactly like a weeping human cock.

"Uhm...Cap'n looks like yours is bigger than mine."

That did it. Travis just about fell out of his chair in complete hysterics. Malcolm tried to shoot Trip what could be described as sphincter lips of disapproval, only to fail and bark into side splitting laughter. Jon guffawed his disbelief at what they were about to put in their mouths. It took quite a few minutes before they were calm enough to wipe tears from eyes and blow noses. Jon spoke again in the lull as they caught their breath.

"If only I _were_ this big, Trip."

Shocked expressions quickly broke into another roaring round of laughter. Jon smirked satisfied that he'd surprised them with a shot of his own ribald humor. They all watched with interest as Travis stood up and addressed his Captain.

"Permission to go to the lav, Sir? Before I wet my pants?"

Jon's green eyes sparkled with mirth as he granted permission to the grinning Helmsman. Travis stepped out of the room still laughing. The three remaining men continued to inspect their Jahlah fruit. Finally, Jon grabbed his plate and switched it with Travis'. Trip and Malcolm shot him a questioning look. Jon simply shrugged and gave a goofy grin.

"Fits him better, don't you think?"

Trip and Malcolm thought about it, sighed wistfully and gave agreeing nods. When Travis stepped back into the room, he noticed the change but made no comment.

"All right, hopefully we've got that out of our systems. And hopefully we won't be doing _that_ tomorrow. Now...let's see...the tradition of eating Jahlah dates back to...blah, blah, blah...to honor some king that claimed to be...yada, yada, yada...by eating it, bounty is guaranteed...so on and so forth. Oh wait, here we go."

They glanced at each other uncomfortably but were determined not to "chicken"...were determined to do their duty.

"To signal the beginning of the ceremony, each member of the contingent must formally address the Jahlah fruit."

"You mean like say `hello, I'm Ensign Mayweather' and shake it's..."

Jon was sweating buckets, " Oh boy, not quite Travis. It says here that the `full length of the fruit must be caressed by the guest's left hand with increasing pressure, exactly 5 times."

"What if you're right handed?"

"Rather sad that it only takes 5 caresses."

"Ah bet you'd be done in 2 caresses."

"Yes, well at least someone would be willing to caress me, Commander."

"Oh Ah get plenty of caressing, don't you worry none about me, Lootentant."

"I should think you'd need to do the worrying, Trip. Wot with diseases, husbands, getting pregnant."

And Trip went ballistic. He jumped to his feet so fast that he almost upset his chair. He leaned both hands on the table snarling at Malcolm.

"Listen you tight-assed bastard, you've been riding me..."

"In your dreams, Commander."

**"ARRRRRGH!"**

In his frustration, Trip's hand that had landed on his Jahlah fruit absently gripped and strangled.

"Trip," Jon whimpered.

Snapping his gaze over to his best friend, the Engineer saw the look of sheer terror on the Captain's face. He caught the same agonized expression on Travis. He followed their line of sight back to his hand. If it had been the real thing, the magnitude of pain would have been gut wrenching. Trip felt a twinge of unpleasantness in his own groin.

Suddenly the fruit contracted under the crush of his hand. All eyes went wide as the Jahlah fruit shot rope after rope of something like cream and seeds across the table directly on to Malcolm Reed. For the second time the room was struck by complete and utter silence.

Three sets of eyes waited with baited anticipation. The smaller man sat quietly blinking as rivulets of cream and seed dribbled from his hair, off the tip of his nose and surprisingly from his earlobe.

"It would appear Commander, that it only takes _you_ two strokes."

With a gesture to the Captain who could only nod in shock, Malcolm got up and left the room, wiping gobs of slime and flicking it here and there with a resounding splat. How had this gotten so completely out of hand? Jon scrubbed his face and groaned at his own inadvertent pun.

"Gee, Commander, looks like your Jahlah is done for the evening."

Travis' tone pretended to be guileless, but came off sounding completely evil. Trip's fruit was indeed embarrassingly deflated. As if burned Trip quickly pulled his hand away and flopped back down in his seat. Moments later Malcolm returned cleaned up and clothing changed. Before sitting he looked over at Trip's Jahlah shaking his head in sympathy and tsked. Jon and Travis couldn't help their snickering. Trip sat up, jabbing an angry finger in the air, ready with a retort.

Jon spoke up first, "Okay...okay...again...we've hopefully had our fun...well some of us have."

More snickering.

"Cap'n!"

"Sorry...sorry, Trip. You're right. Let's try to get a handle...uh let's try to wrap...mmmm...we need to get a grip..."

He couldn't help it. Jon's face turned bright red trying to hold in the hoot that wanted to escape. Malcolm and Travis weren't helping any. The Armory Officer was turning blue from holding his breath. The Helmsman slowly slipped off his chair with pent up delight. Trying to salvage what little dignity was left of tonight's briefing, Jon picked up the PADD and continued.

"Stop...stop...we're Starfleet's finest...we can get through this."

Jon wasn't sure just who he was trying to convince...himself or the others.

"Trip since your Jahlah has sort of...had it. Let's walk through the steps with your fruit and the rest of us can try it on ours after."

"Fine." Petulance hinted.

"Uh...let's do the caressing part. Then...we're...uh...you know...caught up with Trip...at least."

They tried not to watch each other, but since Trip had basically caressed his Jahlah to death he casually watched Malcolm. Trip swallowed hard as he watched the strong, elegant hand stroke boldly up and down. The supple skin of the fruit began to ripple as long fingers applied pressure. What was really disturbing was the fact that Malcolm's Jahlah bore a striking resemblance to Trip's own anatomical arrangement. It wasn't too difficult for the Southerner to imagine the Brit caressing his now hardening cock.

Third caress, fourth caress, final caress.

Trip was hot and feeling pretty pinched down below. At that very moment he looked straight into Malcolm's shit eating grin. Sonovabitch...the little dickhead knew...knew that he was aroused. Trip was pissed as hell, and wasn't about to the give the other man the satisfaction.

"Trip, I'm going to read what's next and then have you practice."

Although he continued to glare a challenge at the now smug Malcolm, Trip nodded his understanding to Jon.

"In your right hand take the ceremonial pleeth, that's the skewer thing and pierce it through the first and then the second stolesh of the Jahlah. The...uh...balls...um...spherical parts."

Still staring aggressively at Malcolm, Trip snatched up the pleeth and viciously plunged it in both stolesh so hard that Jon and Travis popped up from their seats. Malcolm remained as still as a statue...smirking at Trip. It just served to piss the Engineer off even more.

"Great...yeah...that's just fine Trip. Next, hold the impaled...skewered stolesh over the briatah of the Jahlah. That would be the shaft...ugh...long part of the fruit and squeeze them with your left hand." Trip raised one eyebrow at Malcolm as he gently gripped the stolesh, before brutally crushing them, even adding a little twist for the finale.

Somewhere to the side, someone "eeped".

Glistening juice burst forth from the stolesh and cascaded over the briatah leaving a fine sheen of moisture.

"Now you may consume the stolesh."

Even though it reminded him of that horrible soup on the desert planet, Trip bared his teeth and sunk them fiercely into the balls ripping the fleshy pulp away.

Did the chairs in here usually squeak so much?

After swallowing the last of the stolesh, Trip tossed down the skewer in front of Malcolm as if it were a gauntlet. Malcolm lazily leaned back in his chair and spread his legs. The movement wasn't lost on Trip. Damn! Why can't he get under the asshole's skin?

"Let's keep in mind that these are gentle aliens. We should probably exercise a little more restraint."

Jon wasn't sure if anyone was even listening.

"Now take the gostal, that would be the little curved knife and slice down the length of the briatah."

Trip smiled slightly letting the gostal flash in the light. This outta make the little shit squirm. Again the knife was plunged deftly and nastily into the fruit. Trip pulled the knife down in one swift move.

Travis cringed and whimpered, while Jon ended up squirming. Malcolm nonchalantly looked at his fingernails. Trip pressed frustrated lips into a tight line.

"What's next, Cap'n?"

"Uh Trip...let's call it a night...I'll contact the Prime Minister to postpone."

For Trip, no one else existed in the room but Malcolm. Still keeping his glittering eyes on the smaller man, he reached down to grasp the mutilated Jahlah. Left hand...right hand, it didn't matter now. All that mattered was getting a rise out of the damn Limey. He placed the mushroom capped head against his lips and waited. Once he saw a flicker of interest from Malcolm he sadistically bit it off and chewed as if it were the tastiest morsel in the universe.

Travis and Jon yelped and scrambled to their feet, both looking a little green around the gills.

"Sir...if that'll be all I'd..."

"Dismissed, Ensign."

Without looking back both rushed for the door. As it wooshed open Jon gestured for Travis to go first. Jon quickly pressing himself behind the peaked looking man in his own rush to leave the room.

For the third time there was total and utter silence. Trip bided his time waiting for any reaction from Malcolm. Finally, Mal leaned forward and traced a finger around the balls of his still intact Jahlah.

"Really Commander is that the best you can do?"

"Ah'd like to see you try to get my shorts in a twist."

"I rather thought I already had."

"In your own words...not bloody likely."

Malcolm laughed, "All right let's see how quickly I can get a rise out of you, shall I?"

Malcolm stood up and walked around the table to Trip's side. Although Trip visibly straightened up in his seat, he refused to turn and see what Malcolm was up to. Trip could feel Malcolm's heat as the smaller man pressed himself against the back of the chair. Trip closed his eyes and swallowed hard when he felt the gentle snuffling of his neck and ear. Just as he was about to lean into the intimate gesture Malcolm pulled the chair back with a jerk.

"Hey!" Trip snapped.

Malcolm only smirked with a feral glint in his eye. He stepped between Trip's legs and the dining table. After pushing Trip's plate of Jahlah out of the way, Malcolm hopped up on the table. Sensuously he leaned back to snag his own plate. Grabbing the fruit firmly around the girth, he turned back to Trip, positioning himself so that the Yank had the best possible, close-up, view.

"Are you ready, Sir?"

"Give it your best shot."

"What an interesting choice of words, Commander."

"Shut up, Malcolm."

Mal grinned before nuzzling the briatah of the Jahlah with his chiseled cheekbone.

Trip squirmed just a hair's breath.

Tracing the line of his cheek, Malcolm then brought the fruit to the very corner of his mouth. His tongue peeked out the side and touched the slit.

Trip coughed a time or two.

Malcolm moaned as a bit of cream kissed the tip of his juicy tongue.

Trip seemed to sink lower into his chair.

With his tongue he smeared the cream over his own lips. The Jahlah fruit followed the same teasing pattern.

Trip's eyes followed the movement of a tongue so like forbidden fruit itself.

Malcolm and Trip groaned in unison as the smaller man finally slipped the shaft between his lips and deep throated. After pumping a few times he slipped the now glistening fruit from his mouth and ran his tongue around the cap a few times.

Trip's legs were wide and the prominent bulge at his crotch could not be missed. He dropped his head back and moaned. Malcolm chuckled and daintily put the Jahlah back on the plate. Turning back to Trip, who looked delicious in his own right, Mal asked innocently.

"So...you're knickers in a proper twist, Commander?"

With a feral grin of his own, Trip lifted his head to answer. He couldn't miss the joy that played in the eyes of the man he'd been hungering after for quite some time. He stood up and moved between Malcolm's legs.

"Yeah...Ah'd say they are and..."

He ground himself into Malcolm's equally engorged cock and shoved the dishes off the table.

"...it feels like you're gonna be the one to untwist them, Lootenant."

Just outside the Captain's Private Mess Door a gamma shift crewman startled at the sound of crashing plates and a plaintive cry of,

"Oh! Gods! Trip! Yes!"

Quickly the crewman scurried away pretending he'd heard nothing.


End file.
